Wall of Resistance

When I am giving feedback to someone, and they just won’t listen because they are in denial or are viewing the feedback as an attack, I will change the “problem” we are speaking about by making their current behavior the problem.

So, even though the feedback I started giving may have related to showing up late for meetings, or sweeping controversial issues under the table, I might say something like:

“So, let’s talk about something else, something that is happening right now.  When I come to you with constructive feedback in support of your continued development, I am often met with denial or you blaming someone else for the problem I’m describing.  When I see you doing this, I’m concerned that you aren’t taking our conversation seriously and that you aren’t willing to accept personal responsibility for your behavior.  What is causing you to show up in this way when I am trying to provide you with feedback that can improve your performance?”

Restating the problem in this way focuses the feedback discussion on what is clearly a more fundamental problem which is the defensiveness and unwillingness to receive the feedback.  Until I can help the individual to whom I giving feedback let down their wall of resistance, I am unlikely to be successful in having any other meaningful feedback conversation.

If refocusing the feedback on the resistance showing up in the moment doesn’t work, it may be time to move that individual into your progressive discipline program.  Some individuals may need the implicit threat of losing their job to take feedback seriously, and that is what progressive discipline is for.

For more information on reframing your constructive feedback conversations, check out Chapter 24 in my book, The Fit Leader’s Companion: A Down-to-Earth Guide for Sustainable Leadership Success.